Choking Myself with My Own Perceptions
Umm... a newsletter... kinda...? Welcome to The Ambiguity Advocate!
Happy New Year!
I can honestly say that 2024 was one of the toughest years of my life, so you could not imagine the thrill I felt when the clock struck midnight and welcomed us to a new year.
Over my months-long hiatus, I had a few drafts that I thought of releasing. None of which felt right to publish, in the spirit of the holidays they all felt too cynical to post.
Maybe one day you’ll read them. Maybe not.
Winter Time Favorites
Book - Acts of Desperation by Megan Nolan (yes, it is AS SAD as you’d suspect)
Songs - Just Like Heaven by The Cure, Death with Dignity by Sufjan Stevens, and Life on Mars? by David Bowie
Find the playlist here!
Movie- Tenebre (dir. Dario Argento)
Recipes - Chile Colorado by Isabel Eats
Memory - Closing out 2024 and sitting down to journal about the past year and what I want for the year to come.
“I Want to Be Great, or Nothing”
Fall and winter time seem like a good time to read classic novels. You know, those books that you ALWAYS say you’ll get around to and NEVER do. This past winter I finally read Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, everyone, applaud me, do it now!
At first, when I finished the book, I was happy that I could cross it off my list. Considering that almost all of the classic novels I have read before are all gothic literature, this book was outside my comfort zone. I sat with it for a few days, I reflected, and eventually, I cried.
I didn’t expect to, but then life happened and a quote kept ringing in my ear.
Amy: “I felt too insignificant to live and gave up all my foolish hopes in despair.”
Laurie: “Why should you, with so much energy and talent?”
Amy: “That’s just why, because talent isn’t genius, and no amount of energy can make it so. I want to be great, or nothing.”
I want to be great, or nothing…
This didn’t come to my mind till last Friday, when I was having an anxiety attack. Or as the cool kids call it, as I was “crashing out.”
Last week was my first week of my Masters program and though I was/still am so excited, I started to do what I do best and overthink.
Memories filled my brain like a flood. Memories of when I got the acceptance email, when I had called and told my brother and sister-in-law, when I told my best friends when I gave my parents shirts from the school as Christmas gifts to tell them I got in, when my friends took me out to celebrate, etc.
Beautiful memories that I will cherish forever. But also, daunting to me.
I want to be great, or nothing.
You may wonder why this feels so heavy, so let me give you some context.
As a child, my parents, specifically my mom, expected a lot from me. Not a bad thing at all, until it was. This isn’t to bash my mom or anything, she only wanted what was best for me, she didn’t know how deep this affected me until later on in my life.
She expected A’s and B’s only. One of her famous sayings was, “D’s stands for dumbass!” So, as you can imagine, when I got a C or lower, I didn’t feel good about myself. I sought validation through academics.
The problem with that is, I am also my father’s daughter and am a very prideful person. Meaning, I hated asking for help. More importantly, I HATED feeling weak.
I choked myself with the perception that I needed to be perfect. I needed to be smart “naturally”. On top of that, I had to balance sports and dancing and other extracurriculars.
This caused me to struggle in subjects that didn’t come easily. Which caused me to get hard on myself. Which started a chain of unhealthy habits.
Most notably in middle school, I was doing things like skipping lunch to work on homework during my break and try to get ahead in my classes. Which then progressed to unhealthy eating habits later in life, specifically in college.
I treated food like a reward.
If I finished homework, I could eat dinner, or lunch, or whatever meal it was. If I didn’t, I felt like I didn’t deserve to nourish myself. At times I wouldn’t eat for a few days.
Though I was chronically tired, I became a mastermind at hiding my habits to appear calm, cool, and collected. Or at least I thought I did.
At one point after college, I talked to my ex-therapist and she asked, “Why did you feel the need to do all of this?” I remember telling her, “Because if I don’t do good, I’m unworthy, I’m dumb.”
I want to be great, or nothing.
Since this is something that often comes up when I used to be insanely stressed, and I was at the time, for a month, she had me keep a food log. We would review it at every session. Like I said before, I didn’t want to seem weak. So I lied to her for the first week and tried to show her that I was a balanced individual.
She called me out, ASAP.
When I reviewed the progress with her, I had no idea how little I would consume when I was stressed. It was almost sickening.
From then on, it became easier to stop.
So on Friday when I was losing my mind. I ate my first meal at 2:00 pm, I put my pride away, and I texted one of my best friends. (She’s a saint fr.)
Sometimes I feel like a visitor in my own body. But knowing I have a good support system makes me feel at home.
Little Atlas Moment
